Easter in Heaven for Makenzie

Makenzie on Easter Day!

(Several years ago, my oldest daughter, Makenzie was killed in a traffic accident.  Below is a re-post from our first Easter without her):

We have been comforted by many people over these last months after Makenzie’s death.  This week has provided countless opportunities for people to send their well wishes as we walked through Holy Week without Makenzie.  (Another of the “firsts” that we, who have lost loved ones, must endure).

One sentiment has repeated itself from several people.  “Just think.  This is Makenzie’s first Easter in Heaven.”  Truthfully, that was my thought as well because my human experience is the template through which I process life in heaven.  I have no choice but to think that my daughter, Makenzie lives there but follows the time table of here.

I know better.  It is not her first Easter in Heaven.  She has not been counting the minutes to have an Easter Egg hunt or eat egg-bake before the sunrise service.  She has not been fiddling with her Easter dress in the pew, waiting for the Heavenly choir master to raise his arms and cue the first chord of the hymn “Jesus Christ is Risen Today!”

The truth is EVERY DAY IS EASTER IN HEAVEN!  All the joy and laughter is a 24-7 deal.  The pomp and circumstance is multiplied a million-fold as Makenzie, along with so many others, celebrate what Jesus has done for the entire world!  The partying does not end!  The dancing does not slow!  The music does not wane!  Makenzie is whooping it up, praising her Savior and never wanting to stop! (And we are there too but that’s another post for another day).

I can’t tell you how happy and hopeful that makes me this Easter.  Yes, it is another “first-without-her.”  Yes, I wish I could see her crack open a hard-boiled Easter egg and fish out the yoke.  Yes, I would love to give her an Easter hug and hear her whisper “Happy Easter, Daddy.”    But how can I not be deeply, profoundly grateful to my risen Savior for letting Makenzie in on the party?  How can I not worship Jesus for giving His life so that she can have hers?  If He hadn’t done what He did, I would never see Makenzie again.  But this Easter I celebrate because Makenzie is in my future and not in my past.  And I celebrate because EVERY DAY IS EASTER IN HEAVEN!

Peace!

My Makenzie Drift

One of the most difficult experiences for those of us whose kids have died is to relate to our other “earth-walking” kids.  That’s what I’m ‘drifting’ about most recently.  Not that I wish they were like Makenzie or that they acted as the same, but I reactively want to talk to Makenzie about how awesome Nathan and Maddie are.  I wish I could see the three of them together again – laughing, fighting, goofing around.  I wish I could email Makenzie or text her to tell her about the latest song Nathan wrote or the cute boy about whom Maddie’s twitter-pated.  I wish that somehow I could get her a second cup of coffee at the Starbucks at which I’m now sitting.

It isn’t to be.  She won’t get to hear Nathan’s music or do girl-stuff with Maddie.  But She is sleeping in the arms of Jesus which, I suppose, is much grander an experience that dawdling with us.  For now, I just have my wishes and dreams that tend to drift me into a vacant gaze out a nearby window.

The chatter of two teenaged girls snap me back from my drift.  I like those drift-moments.  Some would say they’re daydreams.  Whatever.  They sit well with me because they remind me that there is more to my life than the urgency of the now.   There is “then” as well.  And sometimes, God brings my thoughts there so that I can have peace here - all riding on the wings of my Drift.

Peace!

MY MAKENZIE’S ESPIRIT DE CORPS

Have you ever put off a project so long that it grew legs and took over?  That was my garage.  So finally, after a year, I decided to clean out the cobwebs and organize the bins that had all but grown roots in the concrete.  Bin after bin, I opened the lids and shuffled threw old tennis rackets and camping gear that had long since rusted out.  But then, I opened up a bin that flooded all my sense with memories.  It belonged to my daughter, Makenzie.

For those of you new to my blog, you may not know that my oldest daughter, Makenzie, was killed in a car accident a few years back.  (You can read her story here).  Anyway, seeing her ballet shoes, class notes and an a sundry of knickknacks that used to rest on her nightstand nearly broke me.  One of the items was a plaque she received after her first year at the Bay Area Houston Ballet Company.  It was the espirit de corps award.  Simply put, this award recognizes someone who exemplifies a positive common spirit of the company and who lives a life of excellence.

As I think back on Makenzie’s life, read her journals, and find her personal belongs in bins, I am reminded that a great person is not the sum of their possessions.  A great person is defined by the relational impact of their life.  Makenzie was such a person. She loved Jesus and that love reflected to all who met her.  She added value to those who felt worthless, joy to those living is sadness and laughter to those who wanted to cry.  Makenzie lived a life of espirit de corps.

Ultimately, Makenzie was a great person because she knew that her own value and worth came from Jesus.  She knew who she was and whose she was.  In her short 18 years of life, she impacted more people than most of us ever will in our lifetimes.  For those of us blessed to know her personally, we will never be the same.

Peace,

Makenzie’s Misunderstood Bible Verse – Jeremiah 29:11 – Part 2

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Truthfully, this translation is not the best for this verse (see part 1).  Even though millions have it as a life verse, have used it for comfort and have placed it on everything from bumper stickers to coffee mugs, it still doesn’t capture what God is saying.

It’s Makenzie’s life verse as well but there is so much more meaning to it if you dig into the context and the original language.  In context, God has exiled the Israelites to Babylon (which is a whole ‘nother theological discussion).  He tells them to hang out, do what needs to be done, get married, build a life etc.  But at the end of 70 years, He is going to bring them back to their homeland.

The Israelites are ticked, tired and tried.  They need to know that God hasn’t abandoned them or forgotten about them.  They need some encouragement from this God who, in His love, allowed desperate hardship to uproot their entire people group.  And in comes verse 11 of Jeremiah 29:11.  Through a word of encouragement, God says to this beat up nation, “Hey!  Don’t worry.  Hang in there.   For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

God doesn’t have an individual plan for you but more importantly, He has a larger purpose for you (again, see part 1).  And, as the original language points out, God thinks good thoughts about you.  For one, they are thoughts of peace.  It is possible to be in the worst life tragedy or the most frustrating situation and still have peace!  The peace that God gives!  He doesn’t think evil on you either.  Meaning, if you feel like God has allowed destruction in your life, behind the scenes, He is working it into something good (see Romans 8:28).  He also knows what the end of the story looks like in your life and, again, it is good.  It may not be what you expect, but it is good.

Our family is experiencing this good right now.  Coming next month, it will be 3 years since the Lord danced my oldest daughter, Makenzie, to heaven.  It has been extremely hard, much of the time.  It has been a journey that I wish upon no one.  But we are seeing how even in the midst of the struggle, we have had peace.  And it is good.

So go ahead and mark up the T-shirts with Jer. 29:11.  Claim it for your confirmation or life verse.  Tattoo it on your hand.  Whatever.  God has great thoughts and a purpose for your existence.  Live fully, Love God and Laugh from your gut.  Life is worthy of that!

Peace!

Makenzie’s Misunderstood Bible Verse – Jeremiah 29:11 – Part 1

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” – Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I hate this verse.  No – that’s a bit strong.  I struggle with this verse.  And while many of you have this verse on t-shirts, bracelets and small magnets on the doors to your fridge, I get frustrated thinking about it!

Here’s my tension: If God has plans for me, plans that involve prosperity, hope, and protection, then what happened to God’s plans when my daughter, Makenzie died in a car accident a few years – moments – ago?  This was her life verse and motivationally so!  But what about the “not to harm you” part.  What about that, God?  And does that mean that I can goof up and step out of God’s plan and then work to get back on His plan for me?

As you can tell, I’ve battled with this verse’s language-ing until I dug deeper into its context and its original Hebrew.  I’ll spare you a theological treatise, but a better translation of Jeremiah 29:11 comes in the King James Version.  It reads,

 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Doesn’t that change the “plans” part?  Here’s what this verse is actually saying.  It does not say that God has an individual plan for your life – like a blueprint of every moment you spend on the timeline of this earth.  The Bible is clear that He does have a purpose for your life but not necessarily a specific plan.  The purpose about which God talks is for you to know Jesus and to grow to be more like Him in character and relationship.  God’s purpose for you is not based on what you do but moreso who you are.

That means that once you know that your purpose is to love God and love others, then the adventure is discovering how that purpose plays out in your life.  You are freed up to figure out how you are wired, develop those talents and gifts, and then deploy them into the lives of people around you. Part of that means that you can actually do things that you enjoy!  What a concept!

Listen, God doesn’t care what you do for a career – whether you should be an architect, doctor, teacher or pastor.  He doesn’t care what parking space you choose or which outfit you should wear today.  If it doesn’t lead you or others to sin, and if it is a wise decision, do whatever you want!   Generally, God does not have a detailed plan for your life.

So what does this verse mean then?  Stay Tuned …

Peace!

First-Withouts – Birthday Without Makenzie

Makenzie on her last birthday (18 years old)

A handful of days ago, Kellie and I were privileged to share Makenzie’s story at the Woodbury Area Prayer Breakfast.  Among the 700 people were Bill and Zoe Hyland whose high school aged son, Braedon, was killed in a car accident in October of last year.  It was a painful yet beautiful conversation as they, like us, grapple with the new normal.

Bill said that they are going through the “first-withouts” date list.  The “first” Christmas “without” Braedon.  The “first” Spring “without” him.  The list goes on and on for the likes of us.

Today is Makenzie’s birthday.  She would have been 21 years old.  A milestone in the lives of other young adult but not for her.  This is not a “first-without” for us but rather another reminder of her birth and death and birth again.  Another date on the calendar that we cannot escape.  So we choose to lay low today.  We’ll laugh about her laugh – smile about her smile.  We’ll most likely cry as we ponder and remember.  But we’ll also thank Jesus for giving her a list of “first-withouts.”  “First” days in heaven “without” pain, sorrow or suffering.  “First” days in heaven “without” struggle, confusion of boredom.  And, if she were speaking it, “First” days in heaven “without” math!

Love you button nose.  And Happy 21st Birthday.

Peace!

Links to check out:

• MAKENZIE!  Happy Birthday to You!
• BRAEDON HYLAND Foundation
• KELLIE STOCKER Blog

Makenzie in My Dreams

It’s been nearly three years since my oldest daughter, Makenzie died in a car accident.  Since then, our family has been on a journey marked by recovery, struggle, joy, sadness, questions and pain.  Pain – there’s been plenty of that.  But what has been lacking in our movement forward are dreams.  In my vulnerability, I pray for dreams about her.  Last night, God gave me one. Here’s what I remember:

Our family was at a party – no, a carnival.  There were kiddie rides, food booths and street performers and the smell of cotton candy permeated the cool, late afternoon air.  In the dream, I knew that she died, that she was allowed a few hours with us and that at the close of the carnival, she would be heading back to heaven.  We walked together, once again, as a family.  We talked, played some games and ate hotdogs smothered in mustard.

Makenzie’s snorty laugh rang in my ears as she skipped and told jokes with my son Nathan and my younger daughter Maddie.  I took her hand and we strolled together past a juggler.  She was fascinated  by the performer’s finesse.  I remember sitting down with her on a bench and asking her questions.  “What is heaven like?”  “What do you remember at and immediately after the accident?”  “Does Jesus play guitar?”  (I don’t know why I asked that but I did).  She simply smiled and snuggled deep into my chest as she used to.

My last vivid memory of the dream was our family, once again, walking through the carnival toward the exit that led to an open field.  Makenzie grabbed Maddie’s hand and the two of them skipped ahead, made a circle and jumped around like two tea-party little girls playing “Ring around the Rosie.”

It was beautiful.  It was lovingly simple and complete.  Yet, the dream seared.  I didn’t want her to go back.  I woke up this morning with the feeling of desperation that I haven’t felt since June, July and August of 2009.

So there it is, oh ye interpreters of dreams.  A look into my sad madness and a walk through the carnival of my dream.

Peace,

Just A Simple Kiss

Makenzie and Me

There is something special about a gentle kiss that Daddy receives from Daughter.  Those innocent lips smacking against a well-seasoned, gruffy cheek, communicates sweetness … connection … love.  Just A Simple Kiss.

I loved that kiss from her.  Usually it comes unexpectedly.  Hurrying off to school.  Driving into the drop off lane.  Suddenly, she grabs my shoulder sleeve, pulls me sideways and plants one.  I can’t help but smile and say, “I love you, sweets.”  “Love you too, Daddy.”  Then, she bee-bops out of the car, joining her friends and disappearing behind the glass doors that would keep her safe for the balance of her day.

Maddie and Me

And I just sit there; thinking, How can I be so blessed with a beautiful daughter who surprises me with her simple kiss.  Then, as if being jolted out of a dream, the driver behind, gently taps on her horn.  As I drive away, I am reminded about past moments like these with Makenzie.   But today’s hurrying, drop-off, grab and kiss came from my other daughter, Maddie, who told me she loved me, with just A Simple Kiss.

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Tribute Video played at Makenzie’s Celebration Service.
• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

I Want More Pictures

I’ve poured over them.  I’ve studied them.  I’ve printed, emailed, posted and cropped them.  They are the pictures I have of Makenzie.  I know every shadow and line of her face in the photos and they remind me of the joy and full life that she lead.

As of late, Kellie and I are longing for NEW pictures.  We scanned the full Senior Class picture from her high school but didn’t find her twinkling eyes or wide teethed smile in the midst of the faces.  We looked at the end of the year Facebook pictures from her friends but she was not in them.

What we’d give to see her on her last day of High School.  How we long for those photos which would tell us that her life with us was continuing.  But they are not there.

Don’t get me wrong.  We are very grateful for the pictures and video that we have; especially from Caitlin and the last photo shoot.  But to see her in a graduation robe, playfully grabbing the tassel with her tongue, would be an incredible gift.

I wonder if there are camera’s in Heaven; to capture the events and experiences that we will have with her.  Probably not.  But just being with her again — with everyone again — gathered around Jesus’ throne — will be the ultimate photo op!

(NOTE: I intentionally didn’t add any pictures to this post.  I just didn’t feel like any were appropriate.  And even if one fit, the post would still be image-less.  Today, pictures just seem empty)

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Tribute Video played at Makenzie’s Celebration Service.
• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

Changing the Lyrics

Makenzie and Nathan playing and singing

If I let my thoughts wander, setting them adrift on the breeze of the past, often, they come to rest on Makenzie’s love of music.  This morning, they recall a song that sprang from her 6th grade lips every time we were driving in the car.  Her favorite — my favorite — FFH’s “One of These Days.”

A snipett of lyrics reads:

One of these days
Gonna see the hand that took the nails for me
One of these days
Gonna hold the key to the mansion built for me
One of these days
Gonna walk the streets of gold that were paved for me
One of these days
I’m gonna see my Savior face to face
One of these days

This morning, my thoughts paint the new lyrics that Makenzie now sings:

Even today
I can see the hand that took the nails for me
Even today
I can hold the key to the mansion built for me
Even today
I’m walking the streets of gold that were paved for me
Even today
I can see my Savior face to face
Even today

I can’t wait to sing the changed lyrics with her.  Someday … someday.

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Tribute Video played at Makenzie’s Celebration Service.
• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)