“My Idle Mind is Makenzie’s Playground”
I know. That’s not how my grandmother’s chiding went. For me, the statement seems true today. As I sit here sipping Java, Makenzie’s image tip-toes into my idle mind. Look. There are her beautiful green eyes, peeking out from the curtains of the empty stage of my thoughts. I see her mischievous smile warning me that she’s about to pounce.
“Ta Da!” Makenzie loved to make an entrance.
My thoughts flip through the past pages of my memory. I see Makenzie, holding up her 4 year old arms above her leotard-donned frame. She is skipping from one circle to another on the Marley floor of her first dance class. I see her pushing Nathan, then Maddie in the now, government-recalled stroller. She is announcing to the passersby, “This is my Brother/Sister!” as if they were royalty.
Now I see her swimming with her 8th grade class in our backyard, Arizona pool and I hear her deep, snorty laugh when her “friend-who-is-a-boy” tells her a joke. I see her dancing on the beach with her cousins and I see her snuggling her way in-between Kellie and me, begging, “Keep me warm, Mommy.” And, finally, I see her walking out the door that last time, planting a smooch on my cheek saying, “Bye Daddy; I love you.”
Those who’ve lost people they love have these same times of idleness. We have those moments when we find ourselves wandering the paths of the past, hoping we won’t meet our daughter/brother/parent’s memory – it’s disabling — but there they are. Those mental pictures of the one we love so deeply. Those desires that yearn, “if only they were here.”
As I’m told, those thoughts don’t, and won’t go away. Sometimes, they are a menacing gift — a beautiful curse. If you’re on my same journey, you’ve allowed your mind to empty the stage and wait for your performer. You aren’t sure if you’ll be able to handle what your memory shows you or if this will just be another happy thought. But trust me, we are not watching this play alone. Look to your left. Do you see Him? He is sitting next to you, compassionately looking at you, and He is holding out the Kleenex box.
As the curtain closes on my idle stage, my Lord says, “I’ll be right here for the next performance.” (Psalm 139:7-9)
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