It’s early morning and I just lit a fire. I’m hoping that it’s warmth will cut the icy chill that invades our snow sacked home. Framed by only four red stockings, I’m watching the flames dance sporadically on the log that is their stage. Our Christmas tree crowds some of my view but icicles, bulbs and ornaments are reflecting the glow from the hearth. A lone candy cane dangles at the end of one branch, inviting me to sneak it away and the steam from my morning coffee drifts up into nowhere.
This is our home’s Christmas scene. It is the perfect scene and should cause my love for the season to overwhelm me. Except, it doesn’t. Normally, I begin playing Christmas music in October. Normally, I browse the aisles of Christmas TV specials, giggling like a school-kid. But this year is not normal. It is one of the many “firsts” that we’re experiencing without Makenzie. And it is the first time in my living memory that I’ve wanted it all to be over.
I have fought the Scroogian urge to declare “Bah-Hum Bug” because I don’t feel that negatively about it all. Yes, I am looking forward to Woodbury Lutheran Church’s Christmas Concert and the “Holidazzle Parade” in frigid Minneapolis, but to say that I’m overjoyed that it’s Christmas is a stretch. Why? Because, as her dad, I loved seeing Makenzie love at Christmastime. I enjoyed seeing her dance her heart out at the Nutcracker and being with her on her stage. I smiled as I watched her love on all the little ballerina’s, hug total strangers, and declare that this was the best time of year! I will miss the rolling of her friends’ eyes when the phrase “Jesus is the reason for the season” floats off her lips. I will miss seeing her hug her brother and sister on Christmas morning and tell them she loves them. I will especially miss her draping her arms around my neck and softly tell me, “I’m so glad you’re my Daddy! I love you!”
The fire is dying down. My coffee is now cold and my day’s schedule is calling for me. I don’t want to leave this moment but I also don’t want to stay in it any longer. Our first Christmas without Makenzie. Now I know how it feels.
Life Changing Links …
- Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
- “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
- “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
- “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)