Christmas Nostalgia

Makenzie Dancing at Gloria Dei Lutheran Church, Christmas 2006

They say that the “first-without” Christmas is difficult; when you’ve had someone you love die during the previous months.  For me, the word “difficult” doesn’t describe how I am experiencing my Christmas.  Honestly, I couldn’t come up with a word because the emotions that dance around me are usually two bed-fellows that you’d never put together.  Joy and Grief, Fullness and Loss.  They flood me when I think about Makenzie.  (Click here for a related post).

This Christmas has been no different from any other day since June 3rd.  I have Makenzie Moments – the reminders that she is gone – and it makes me sad.  I remember her snorty laugh and it makes me smile.  I remember her beauty, charm, and joy and it makes me proud.  I remember our last few Christmases with her and it makes me nostalgic.

Maybe that is the word that describes the Christmas season for me.  Nostalgic.  (You can tell I am a processing writer).  Anyway … nostalgic.  It is a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one’s life (thank you,  But in many ways, that is what I’d like to do; return to a time when Makenzie was alive.  Those who know her would echo me.  I’d like to be standing with Kellie on stage again at the Nutcracker, watching our daughter wow the crowd as she spun without effort on the tip of her toe.  I’d like to relive the sleepy Christmas morning as all 5 of us sunk into our overstuffed couch, open presents in our ‘jami’s and hear Makenzie’s heavy sigh as she bit into one of Kellie’s scones.  I’d like to re-experience the undeserved, out-of-the-blue hugs that Kenzie would give me and hear her say again, “I love you, Daddy.”

I wonder if that is how Mary felt at the foot of the cross of her son, her Savior, Jesus.  Nostalgic … wanting to return to a time and place where simply shepherds and learned wise men bent their knee to worship her little boy.  I guess, Mary and I have something in common.

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”  Luke 2:19



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3 thoughts on “Christmas Nostalgia

  1. Cindy Woodward says:

    Russ and Kimberly gave your blogsite to us several months ago. Our hearts have ached with you at the loss of your dear Makenzie.
    I just recently had the same thought about Mary standing there, losing her son. You do have much in common with her, the mother of our Lord. Jesus’ life touched us in every human way, I think. My prayer is that Jesus would send you the same abiding comfort, and faith to believe that He must have sent His own mother. Our prayers are with you.

  2. Lorene Mazdra says:

    You all have been in my prayers and on my heart on a daily basis, as I have been privileged to experience your joy and pain as you let me journey with you. I am in awe of an awesome God that carries us through these times when we can not walk on our own. He has revealed his grace and mercy to us through you as you continue to be moved by the Spirit and share your love of God with those who read this witness.
    Makenzie was and is so special and will always be that precious gift from God. You strengthen me and inspire me as you share your thoughts and feelings with humor and humility. I have been wanting to write for months and am glad God has finally helped me get the thoughts out of my head and down for you all to read.

    I know you will have a blessed Christmas that centers on the Christ Child. God’s peace!

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