An Emotional Agnostic

Emotionally, I’d be a good agnostic (one who believes there’s a God but doesn’t believe He’s involved in everyday life).  Like David in the Psalms, I cry out, “Where are you God?  Have you abandon me?  Are you unaware of the emptiness that swallows my ability to get out of bed?  Were you sleeping when the car rolled through the intersection, was broadsided and became the death chamber for Makenzie?  Where are you God?”

But what I’ve re-learned through Makenzie’s life/death/life is that those times of emotional sorrow that still ambush moments in my day are also mental reminders that God is not distant.  He is not a philosophy or a life-path but a personal Being who knows what it’s like to loose a child.  He reminds me that even though there are times when I feel that He’s not all that smart, He knows what He’s doing.

As Pastor Dave Marth said at Makenzie’s Celebration Service, “To God, this was no accident.”  In other words, even the tragedy that took my daughter was known, and dare I say it, planned by God to show a greater purpose, my faith in God is not based on feelings but facts.  Sound cliche?  To me, it does.  But it’s a cliche that I’ll think about.  It calms my emotions, dulls my pain and gives me the moment-by-moment strength that keeps me from becoming an emotional agnostic.

I cried out to the Lord in my distress and groaned.  Has He forgotten to be merciful?  But then I remembered what He’s done in the past.  Your ways are perfect, O God.

(from Psalm 77)



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3 thoughts on “An Emotional Agnostic

  1. Teresa Cornett says:

    God does have a plan and a purpose, and today His plan was to use your writing and innermost thoughts to encourage me. It’s so hard to see His purpose when you are floundering around, trying to discern what the Lord has in store for you next and at the same time struggling to maintian that precious, child-like faith. I needed to hear today the words that you wrote. Isn’t that awesome? Your journey of dealing with MaKenzie’s death is teaching so many needed life lessons to others, thank you for sharing. Blessings!

  2. Nancy Haas says:

    I do not know if you received my first comment, because I was not sure how to do it, but then one of my girls, I call them my girls because I am a sorority Housemother at the university of South Dakota helped me out, so you could have received it. If not my daughter Tammy dance from age 4 to 18, and was then at 19 murdered, and I guess I do want to let you know that the pain does lessen. Tammy died in the fall of 1992, which i saw that Makenzie was born in 1991 the year my Tammy graduated from High School. There is not a day ever that you will not think of your daughter however, and of course we not want it any other way. It certainly has been a blessing for me to be around 18 to 22 year old girls everyday for the past 10years. Forgive my typing errors, and have a blessed day! Nancy Oh, I am a member of St. Johns Lutheran Church in Yankton, South Dakota. Our pastor is a National Guard Chaplin and will be leaving in May for Afganistan, so your prayers for him will be needed.

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