Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Many people spend more time and focus picking out a gift or planning the date rather than working on their marriage. Here are 8 ways to make your relationships amazing.
On This Episode:
Today’s Quote: “Fight against something and we focus on the thing we hate. Fight for something and we focus on the thing we love.” – Simon Sinek
8 Ways To Make Your Marriage Or Any Relationship Amazing For Valentine’s Day:
- Be realistic in your expectations. You’re both humans.
- YOU are responsible for your happiness, not the other person. Don’t underestimate or sluff off that statement, this is imperative to know, whether you can live by that, to begin with, or not, eventually you’ll have to remember it.
- Own your own stuff! but taking responsibility, being accountable for yourself is the only way to grow, not only as an individual but as a couple. Blaming the other person not only creates resentment from them, but it’s like crawling across the desert w/someone, they find the water, but you refuse to drink b/c they are the ones that found it. The old saying, “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
- Individual growth feeds relationship growth. BUT both people have to be willing to grow. What does growing look or feel like? It’s that moment when you know deep down that you have made a mistake, or are being unreasonable (see bullet #1.) but to admit it feels like you’ve “lost”. THEN when you admit your petulance or stubbornness, or you apologize etc. that feeling of relief that you feel, and the ability then of both of you to be able to move on?? THAT’S growth. And trust me, it feels SOOO much better than digging in and holding to YOUR point.
- Marriage is not a race to see who can be the best, or be the most right. It’s a journey of 2 people that have learned (or hoped) that their life can be more fulfilling sharing it with another person b/c that other person can help to keep you awake and aware and “on track” when you get stupid, which we all do!
- Helping the other person to “wake up” when they do get off track requires gentleness and love, not the “HA! told you so!” approach. NO ONE likes to be shamed into learning something.
- Real love does not feel like you think it does. Early love, or infatuation, is fine, and it’s fun! BUT that will always, always, ALWAYS subside! And that’s NOT A BAD THING!! People think that’s cynical, but it’s not! It’s just the damn truth. And that’s ok!!! It’s growth and intimacy. Intimacy is vulnerable. Infatuation is the opposite of intimate and vulnerable by definition – you don’t know each other well enough yet to be THAT intimate or vulnerable. TRUE vulnerability comes when you know the other persons “faults” and weaknesses and are ok with it, accept it, and begin to care about that person even more so. All too often this is the point where people say, “yeah… I just fell out of love. They weren’t who I thought they were. We lost that spark.”
- Think of starting a fire. You start a fire to keep warm. And you have to keep the fire lit to do so. To build a fire you have to find the right ingredients (kindling, leaves, small sticks, ETC.) AND THEN you need a SPARK to get it going. Once you get it going, you don’t keep trying to get another spark, you let it burn and begin to get hot. Then you have to keep feeding the fire. But you have to feed it at the right moment; too much fuel early on, and it’ll choke it out – not even and it burns out. And you don’t poke or prod the fire, you let it burn – You let the coals, the base, get going and at just the right moment you feed it. But to be able to know when to feed it, you have to pay attention and stay aware, so you know just the right moment. This takes practice and skill.
- Finally, if all else fails, BE KIND!! When things get hot, like a fire that’s been overfed, step back – take a breath. Rather than make it hotter, let things cool down – better to let your angry point go and be quiet than throw more wood on that fire.