Tributes

Makenzie danced all over the United States. Missouri, Minnesota, Arizona, Louisiana, Texas, New York; many were impacted by this little ballerina named Makenzie. As a result of her influence and after she was killed, tributes of all sorts were created by those who love her. Youtube hosts many of these done by her fellow classmates and me as well (Click Here for her celebration service tribute video). Dance studios have choreographed pieces in her memory as a tribute to a life well lived and cut short. (Click Here for Caitlyn Cannon’s description of a tribute dance).

Last Saturday, the Minnesota Classical Ballet Academy – where Makenzie danced in grade school – dedicated a dance choreographed to Mozart’s Symphony No. 40 in honor of Makenzie. Within the context of the performance, a little girl occasionally walked on stage, mingled through the dancers and stood to the side, watching the others turn and move to the music. At one point, the little girl wearing lavender (Makenzie’s favorite color) knelt down and recited the words to our families evening prayer.

“Now I lay me down to sleep; I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake; I know the Lord my soul will take.”

We couldn’t hold back the tears and they washed down our faces as we were once again reminded of Makenzie’s purity, faith and joy. Surrounded by our friends, we watched the little ‘Makenzie’ stand up and be carried off by a man in white (God) as the dancers continued to perform with passion and grace.

At the end of the dance, as the last chord faded into the air, all of the performers slowly made their exit, save one. A lavender sashed ballerina, on pointe and back facing the audience, gracefully tiptoed off-stage, leaving an empty space the size of the one in our family. Wonderful. Stunning. Symbolic. Painful. But Beautiful as well. A tribute to my little ballerina who is dancing arm in arm with Jesus.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

Thanks for the Memories

This past Sunday we celebrated ‘All Saints Day’ in the Church calendar. The day holds deep meaning and reverence as Christians everywhere remember those who have “gone before us” (as we gently say); those who, by God’s Grace, have been brought into His arms and whose lives while on earth, serve as examples to those of us still here. It is a festival, if you will; a festival that praises God’s Grace and the memory of the people we love.

Makenzie’s name is now added to the remembrance list of this day. And while it is nice to corporately remember her once a year in the church, yesterday, I wanted more.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had anyone in your life die without warning. I pray you haven’t. Everyday I want to rewind and have Makenzie back. Sometimes, in those “Makenzie Moments,” my mind desperately tries to personify her memories. In other words, I miss her so much that I look for any evidence that she is still alive and still here; that her memory can break the barrier between Heaven and earth in a real way. “That breeze! It’s Makenzie gently blowing.” “That shadow! It must be Makenzie’s spirit showing me a how beautiful and precise her dancing is since studying under the Master Performer!” “That sense of peace! It must be Makenzie gently touching my heart to let me know that she is ok.”

Now, no offense to those who believe that what I just wrote can happen or who believe the antithesis of what I’m about to say, but Makenzie is not looking down on us. Why would she want to? She lives in a mansion on prime real estate (John 14).  She is not guiding our weather or answering our prayers in some Bruce Almighty fashion. She is not an angel that gives me a warm feeling every time I remember and learn from her example. It is God’s Holy Spirit that does that.

God gives me memories of Makenzie but not Makenzie herself. God gives me emotions that connect with songs that she loved, foods that she adored, and dances she performed … but He doesn’t give me Makenzie.

Makenzie is right where God wants her; enjoying what is promised to her because she believed that Jesus forgave the guilt of every sin she carried. My little girl is “in the hands of her real daddy” (as she wrote) and I don’t have to worry if she’ll be safe, OK or happy.

Yes, I’d like to think that Makenzie is still with me physically, but I know that she is in the presence of her King. And as her dad, that’s enough for me.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

“I’m Back!”

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.”  Job 8:20-22

I don’t know how it started or who let him in, but somehow, without warning, there he was. Laughter. Our friend from former days. Laughter. The one in our family who sat quietly during the past months as tears and weeping took their turn, helping us heal; helping us cope with Makenzie’s death. But this past weekend, Laughter jumped off the couch and rejoined our family.

It was just the four of us, huddling together at a cabin in northern Minnesota. Kellie and Maddie were playing Dutch Blitz – a card game only crazy people like – and Nathan and I were munching on chips. Before long, I noticed my gut hurting and my cheeks stained with tears. No, not the swine flu, but the result of mouth-wide-open, head-tilted, eyes-shut, full-out Laughter. This wasn’t Laughters little cousin, Giggles. This was really him! Back again. And maybe it was something Nathan said. Maybe it was something Kellie or Maddie did. All I know is that whatever ‘it’ was, Laughter took the opportunity to bring his joy back into our family.

The pain is still around. The moments of grief sometimes still consume us. But God has given back our longtime friend and it feels good.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

Good Try

Catching Snowflakes

They say that the fifith month following the death of a child is the one of the hardest. Generally, in month one, the novelty of the loss wears out. In month two, we go back to our jobs, routines, and daily life. Month three and four show us what has changed and a new normal is born. In month five, we are faced with the reality that there is a huge hole in our lives; that things aren’t the same. And we look back over our shoulder in hopes that the preceding months were simply someone’s bad joke.

October has been month five since Makenzie “cut in line.” While my experience in the hinterland of Minnesota has been good, it has also been pressing. Makenzie loved it up here. She loved the change of seasons. She loved the “Minnesota Niceness.” She loved the snow. (Where did she get that gene from?!)

So moving north has kept me from reopening the scab of loss that I felt in Houston. But it has also reminded me – especially in month five – that life, right now, is very, very different. Month five has been waiting his turn to dig up my grief. He has tried to get in my face, saying “God must not care,” and “Looks like you’re on your own.” That’s crap.

Month five is leaving at the end of this week. He tried to bury our family in despair this month but he did not succeed. He was outsmarted by a different friend of our family that God’s Holy Spirit has allowed to come back home. Someone that, for years, has helped heal our wounds, relational hiccups and painful routines. A friend that helps us realize that joy is still alive and that everything is going to be ok.

I’m glad he’s back … and I’ll introduce you to Him later this week.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

Time Marches On

Yesterday, it happened again. And I noticed the same thing today. In the morning, the sun strolled up and out from sleeping behind the horizon. At mid-day, the clouds sauntered across the sky. Into the evening, the wind hushed it’s howling and Day graciously released her dominance to Night. Minute by minute, hour by hour, time marched on.

Ever since the accident that claimed Makenzie’s life on June 3rd, I’ve clung to the romantic hope that time would not move; that the gears in my clocks would not push the hands around it’s face. Silly notion – I know. But every click that marks the seconds is one more click away from my daughter being physically with me. Like the rabbit in “Alice In Wonderland,” Mr. Time has taken me farther and farther from celebrating her 18^th birthday this past May. He has pulled me beyond watching my beautiful girl float around at prom like a Princess. He has faded the aroma of her hair, the sound of her voice and the feel of her hugs. Time is a relentless eraser.

So, it could be that time is now my enemy; carrying me farther from my past with Makenzie and presenting me to my future without her. However, because of the promise that God made me, Makenzie is not not in my tomorrows. Because she knows Jesus, believes in who He is and makes Him her King, Makenzie is living in His presence in the heaven that will one day be my home. Imagine; experiencing life with no sadness – no feeling of loss. Imagine; relationships that are pure and without envy or pain. The heaven that only Jesus can give is the totality of perfection, and … There will be no clocks.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

A Time To Mourn

Makenzie had a web; one that reached so many people in so many different parts of the county. Because ministry had moved our family so many times, Makenzie interacted with hundreds of different people. When she suddenly went home to heaven on June 3^rd of this year, those hundreds – now thousands – needed to mourn; however that looked, whatever shaped that took, we all need to mourn the death of those we love.

Yesterday, Kellie and I were given the privilege, once again, of sharing Makenzie’s story with the people of Summit Community Church in Arizona. It was a time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. (I love that the NASB version of the Bible uses the word “dance”). As we spoke, I knew that somehow this was closure for our Arizona church family. This was their time to see, hear and hug on us as a way to say goodbye to one of their daughters of the church.

Each of us has to have a time to mourn. Whatever loss is woven into the fabric of our futures, each of us has to have a time to weep. In my minds eye, I see one of Makenzie’s fellow classmates from 8^th grade, finally letting out all of his sorrow on Kellie’s shoulder as she wrapped him in her arms. I can also see one of my former ministry team leader’s tear-reddened eyes look deep into mine as she struggles to say how sorry and saddened she was. It is all good. It is all healthy. It is all part of the human experience called “loss.”

All of us need to have a time to mourn.

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,”  Ecclesiastes 3

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

Cast All Your Cares … Into a Basket?!

This morning, Kellie gifted me with an hour-long massage at the spa residing in our hotel. Swanky and relaxing, the spa had all the accoutrement one expects when spending money just to have a backrub. Anyway, as I walked into the dimly lit room, Natasha (yes, that’s her real name) invited me to disrobe, climb under the covers that were draped neatly over the massage table and relax after she had given me a few private moments.  Now, I have had a few of these things before so I sort of knew the drill. But this time, her exit was different than what I expected. As she was leaving, she pointed to a little, wicker basket that hung by the door. Woven into and hanging down from the rim of the basket were tattered, stringy braids; each ending with a sachet filled with pebbles, dried flowers and pixsy dust. (Ok, probably not pixsy dust but who knows; this is the epi-center of “spirituality,” so they say).

As Natasha pointed to the oddly hanging decoration, she said, “This is a burden basket. When you’re ready, place all your burdens, worries and cares in there and we’ll hang it outside the door. That way you can be totally relaxed.”

Have you ever tried to hold back a sneeze and afterward, you thought you ruptured something, somewhere that might be important someday? For me it wasn’t a sneeze, but a laugh. Is she serious? I thought. First of all, the burdens, worries and cares of a 2 year old wouldn’t fit in that thing. Secondly, just the thought of trying to put our families burdens of these last months into a three-dollar, Pier One overstock item, just made me laugh. What; then outside the door, the basket magically transforms my cares and hurts into happy thoughts?! I don’t think so.

I’d rather give them to someone who knows what it means to suffer. I’d rather place them in the nail-pounded hands of the one who gave everything for me. I’d rather let Him give me the Peace that goes beyond my imagination than let a mass-manufactured pixsy dust holder pretend to give me hope.

I walked out of the room — post-massage, of course — relaxed and refreshed, thanking the Lord for being ready to receive my stress.  I guess I didn’t need a massage for that; but it sure was nice.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

My Idle Mind is Makenzie’s Playground

“My Idle Mind is Makenzie’s Playground”

I know.  That’s not how my grandmother’s chiding went.  For me, the statement seems true today.  As I sit here sipping Java, Makenzie’s image tip-toes into my idle mind.  Look.  There are her beautiful green eyes, peeking out from the curtains of the empty stage of my thoughts.  I see her mischievous smile warning me that she’s about to pounce.

“Ta Da!”  Makenzie loved to make an entrance.

My thoughts flip through the past pages of my memory.  I see Makenzie, holding up her 4 year old arms above her leotard-donned frame.  She is skipping from one circle to another on the Marley floor of her first dance class.  I see her pushing Nathan, then Maddie in the now, government-recalled stroller.  She is announcing to the passersby, “This is my Brother/Sister!” as if they were royalty.

Now I see her swimming with her 8^th grade class in our backyard, Arizona pool and I hear her deep, snorty laugh when her “friend-who-is-a-boy” tells her a joke.  I see her dancing on the beach with her cousins and I see her snuggling her way in-between Kellie and me, begging, “Keep me warm, Mommy.”  And, finally, I see her walking out the door that last time, planting a smooch on my cheek saying, “Bye Daddy; I love you.”

Those who’ve lost people they love have these same times of idleness.  We have those moments when we find ourselves wandering the paths of the past, hoping we won’t meet our daughter/brother/parent’s memory – it’s disabling — but there they are.  Those mental pictures of the one we love so deeply.  Those desires that yearn,  “if only they were here.”

As I’m told, those thoughts don’t, and won’t go away.  Sometimes, they are a menacing gift — a beautiful curse.  If you’re on my same journey, you’ve allowed your mind to empty the stage and wait for your performer. You aren’t sure if you’ll be able to handle what your memory shows you or if this will just be another happy thought.  But trust me, we are not watching this play alone.  Look to your left.  Do you see Him?  He is sitting next to you, compassionately looking at you,  and He is holding out the Kleenex box.

As the curtain closes on my idle stage, my Lord says, “I’ll be right here for the next performance.” (Psalm 139:7-9)

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Tribute Video played at her celebration service
  
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)
  

Bearing It All … Almost. Part 2

When Makenzie died this past June, I never realized how deeply that wound cut.  In my mind, I thought, “Ok, after a few weeks, things should be back to ‘normal.’”  Foolish thought; especially in response to the loss of someone who brought so much joy to my life and the rest of the entire planet.

It would’ve been easy to lock myself away and not be open about what God has allowed to happen.  (Truthfully, there are too many days, now, that I feel like doing that).  But it has been helpful for me to write and talk about Makenzie; to let you see into my ‘home.’

A friend of mine wrote an email that captures this idea from an outside perspective:

“Voyeur, peeping tom, trespasser … that’s how I feel sometimes when I read your blog.

Part of me doesn’t want to read it.  Another part of me wants to.  Depending on the day, one of them wins.   And there are those moments where I feel like I am invading your privacy, looking into a window of a house from the street, hiding in the dark because I don’t leave a comment…

I feel like I have stepped into the holy of holies of someone’s grief, a place typically off limits.  .  But then I am reminded you have invited me in, opened the door, even ripped the curtain from to top to bottom just to let us in.  I feel like I shouldn’t be here but you have said come on in.  I am reminded of Christ death, the torn curtain, the holy of holies and having full access to God.  It feels like I should be there but I have been invited in by His grace and through His pain.

Most people don’t do what you are doing.  Most people rarely share. Seldom, even as a pastor, are you invited in.  But then you are not most people and I thank God for that.  Thank you for showing us grace and inviting us in … even into the pain.  You are profoundly changing people’s experience with grief, grace and even God!”

Brad Heintz, Living Word Church (http://www.lwcba.org/)

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Worship Service Tribute Video
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)

“Bearing It All … Almost” Part 1

I’ve received so many wonderful emails in response to Makenzie’s Living Magazine article.

One person wrote …

“Today I was so angry at my daughter for not cleaning her room and was irritated during most of the day. As I found and read your article about your storm in the CyFair Living Magazine, tears just flowed and flowed out of my eyes and I ached in my heart for you.  I am going upstairs to kiss and hug my daughter. I will tell her about Makenzie. Thank you so much and may God bless and strengthen you!”

And another said,

“Pastor Todd, I read about your story in the Keller/Metroport Living Home and Family Style Life and was moved. Thank you for sharing this and for glorifying the Lord during this season. He is worthy of all of our praise, isn’t He!”

It isn’t easy sharing this unintended journey that our family travels.  Much of it is good.  Some of it is incredibly painful.  But over these months, it has been helpful for me to open up a bit and let you peek into the windows of our grief and joy.

Believe me, there is many windows into which I don’t allow you to look.  Truthfully, there are many closed emotional shutters that I, too, walk by.  Eventually, I’ll be strong enough to at least lift the shade, but not now.  It’s only been 4 months 4 days 12 hours and 12 min since my life was changed forever and I’m not in a rush to be hurt like that again.

Peace

todd

Life Changing Links …

• Makenzie’s Celebration Service Online – Click Here
• Worship Service Tribute Video
• “I Dance For You My King” (Video: Makenzie’s song by Anthony Celia)
• “Image of Grace” (Video: Song written and played by Nathan Stocker)
• “Makenzie Memories” (a blog by one of her best friends, Katie Davis)