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Not Taken For Granted

February 8, 2010 by Todd

Superbowl. Big deal. My Vikings weren’t playing and even if they were, I’m not sure I would’ve given up yesterday’s events to watch the game; even the commercials. While Nathan was working at the local chalet at the ski-slopes, Kellie persuaded (or was that forced) Maddie and I to go skiing for the first time this year. Out on the snow blanketed hills, I taught Maddie all I knew about sking (which amounted to snowplowing and how to get up after you fall). She loved it. And because of that, I loved it. And because of that, Kellie loved it. And because of that, Nathan said, “I told you so.”

"If All the Snowflakes ..."

Zooming down the slopes diverted my musing from the past months to the present moment. All four of us, having fun together; and not thinking about our one who was not there. In those hours of frozen joy, I refreshed my commitment not to take the remainder of my family for granted. I fixed a short lens over my thoughts and saw Kellie, Maddie, Nathan and me for what we are; a family who enjoys hanging around each other and loves each other. We are all we got. And I’m not going to take another moment with them for granted.

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That Day

February 3, 2010 by Todd

TODAY      ………………………..         February 3rd

January 3rd

December 3rd

November 3rd

October 3rd

September 3rd

August 3rd

July 3rd

June 3rd          ……………….              THAT DAY

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White as Snow

February 2, 2010 by Todd

"If All the Snowflakes ..."

There are benefits to living in this part of God’s country:  Ice fishing, Lutefisk and dead car batteries.  For my warm weather dwellers, this experience is called “Minnesota Winter.”  Casting my sarcasm into a snowdrift, I do enjoy the crisp, early mornings cut through by the warmth of my fire-warmed hearth.

This morning, snow is dancing down from the heavens and covering that which had been ugly.  The gray slush that lies by the side of the roads; the frozen muck that clings to the undercarriage of my car; the evidence of my dog’s empty bladder in a shoveled area just off the deck; all of it covered by the light dusting of simple flakes.

Reminds me of the verse,

“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”  Isaiah 1:18

That, which is in me, has been covered up by the snow of God’s forgiveness.  The dirt that exposed itself out of the anger of our families loss, has been blanketed by the robe of Christ.  I feel forgiven today.  I feel loved today.  I feel white as snow.

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Stop the Mail

February 1, 2010 by Todd

Another one came in the mail recently.  It had her name on it; printed in collegiate lettering.  The opening line … “Makenzie!  You’ve been invited to apply to (insert college name).  You can pursue your dreams at (college name) and all it takes is simply to fill out the enclosed application.”  Arg.

Another reminder.  Another disappointment.  Another mnemonic telling me that I won’t be helping her fill out the application as other moms and dads have been doing the past few months.  There will be a college that will not experience Makenzie’s joy; her laugh; her excitement for the Lord, dance and life!  And I feel badly for them.

Normally I look forward to getting the mail.  Now, not so much.  Next year, they will stop.  Her name will drop from their lists and I will be relieved not to get those pieces of postage.   Funny.  It’s the simple daily things that make me realize the complexity of loss.

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Pew Diving by Katie Davis

January 29, 2010 by Todd

Katie Davis, Steve Sherohman, Emilie Finke, Makenzie Stocker

One of Makenzie’s dear friends, Katie Davis, started a blog to tell stories about their school life together. A while back, she noted a funny story that I thought you could take with you as you go to Worship this weekend.  Enjoy …

“Our Sophomore year, our music teacher (Mr. Sherohman) took us to his church to rehearse before a concert. This was always an exciting day because we would get Jason Deli delivered to us in a box. Anyway, while on our break Kenzie and I created a new form of entertainment. We called it “Pew diving”. (When i think about this now i think this was a little disrespectful). But we would take a running leap and slide down the pew on our stomachs and see who could get farther. Sometimes our shirts would slide up a little bit and we would get rubbed and turn red and end up with a bruise. Anyway, our teacher ruined our fun after about 10 mins and made us stop. But you can just imagine Kenzie and I taking running leaps into the pews and laughing at the top of our lungs. Sadly, i don’t have any pictures of us doing this.”

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Rejecting the EITHER; accepting the OR.

January 28, 2010 by Todd

Life gets tough.  Expectations go unmet and frustration rumbles through our emotions like thunder from a distant storm.

I remember a time in recent years that church work felt like that for me.  We moved across the country, leaving family and friends and a church community that I dearly loved, to take on another ministry challenge.  After several years in my new position, I was struggling to see why God allowed the stress that was affecting my faith, my family and my sanity.

Finally, I sat down with a Pastor/friend of mine and dribbled my irritation all over his desk.  He leaned forward, looked me dead in the eye and simply said, “EITHER, God has made a terrible mistake OR He has you here for a purpose.”  EITHER … OR.

Now, I know the character of God.  I know that He isn’t surprised by anything and that He orchestrates and weaves my life story into a saga that is uniquely mine.  Based on that truth, I had to reject the EITHER  and accept the OR.  God knows what He is doing.  He isn’t surprised by anything and He doesn’t make mistakes.

The sunset at the intersection, 5 seconds before the accident

The car in which Makenzie was a passenger.

Fast forward (or reverse) to June 3rd of last year.  God knew (even before she was born) that Makenzie would be on a photo shoot with her dance friends that night.  He knew that at 8:06pm, they would get into the car and start their journey home.  He knew that the beautiful sunset He painted on the canvas of the sky, would be Makenzie’s last on this earth.  He knew that at 8:10pm, at a horrible intersection in Houston, that their car and a truck would violently meet, taking Makenzie’s life and changing countless others.

God did not stand on the corner, witness the accident and say, “WHOA!  I didn’t see that coming.”  (That’s the EITHER, which I have rejected).  Somehow, in some way, for some reason, my precious Lord scripted that scene to fit within the greater play.

Right now, I see glimpses of purpose; shadows of His plan.  And as the whole thing unfolds I will reject the EITHER and accept the OR.

“I don’t think the way you think.
The way you work isn’t the way I work. God’s Decree.”  (Isaiah 55:8, The Message… Click to read this in context)

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

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An Emotional Agnostic

January 26, 2010 by Todd

Emotionally, I’d be a good agnostic (one who believes there’s a God but doesn’t believe He’s involved in everyday life).  Like David in the Psalms, I cry out, “Where are you God?  Have you abandon me?  Are you unaware of the emptiness that swallows my ability to get out of bed?  Were you sleeping when the car rolled through the intersection, was broadsided and became the death chamber for Makenzie?  Where are you God?”

But what I’ve re-learned through Makenzie’s life/death/life is that those times of emotional sorrow that still ambush moments in my day are also mental reminders that God is not distant.  He is not a philosophy or a life-path but a personal Being who knows what it’s like to loose a child.  He reminds me that even though there are times when I feel that He’s not all that smart, He knows what He’s doing.

As Pastor Dave Marth said at Makenzie’s Celebration Service, “To God, this was no accident.”  In other words, even the tragedy that took my daughter was known, and dare I say it, planned by God to show a greater purpose, my faith in God is not based on feelings but facts.  Sound cliche?  To me, it does.  But it’s a cliche that I’ll think about.  It calms my emotions, dulls my pain and gives me the moment-by-moment strength that keeps me from becoming an emotional agnostic.

I cried out to the Lord in my distress and groaned.  Has He forgotten to be merciful?  But then I remembered what He’s done in the past.  Your ways are perfect, O God.

(from Psalm 77)

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

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Makenzie’s Memory Quilt

January 17, 2010 by Todd

Makenzie's Quilt

Cheryl Christianson, a friend here in Minnesota, presented us with a quilt that was made from clothing that she requested of Makenzies.  T-shirts, Pajama’s, Dresses and Skirts all make up the patchwork to this creation of love.

Click this link to go to the Youtube video of the quilt.  (Makenzie sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” at the end).

YOUTUBE VIDEO OF MAKENZIE’S QUILT

PEACE

todd

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Wish You Were Here

January 16, 2010 by Todd

The phrase, “Wish You Were Here,” has sarcasm as it’s nameplate. I used the phrase often while basking in the Houston warmth and talking to my Minnesota buddy, Scott, in February’s past. But rarely did I utter the words without a sense of dig… of scoffing … of tongue in cheek.

I find myself thinking phrase consistently, now. ‘I wish Makenzie were here’. However, there is no hint of humor; not a shadow of play. I simply, truly, desperately wish Makenzie were here.

It’s been 7 months since God took Makenzie home and our new normal lives have gone on. Ironically, the great things that are happening in and to our family are coupled with reminders that one is missing. I don’t know how long it lasts — others may know — but my gut reactions when something interesting takes place is to think, “I can hardly wait to tell Makenzie,” followed by, “I wish you were here.”

“Makenzie!  On the same day that Nathan’s braces came off, Maddie’s went on. (I wish you could see them). Kellie may be speaking to a large group of high school students. (I wish you could hear her). We are going sledding today on your favorite hill. (I wish you could come).”

The public mourning is now private but no less painful. Our life is good up here in the north country. But, selfishly, I still wish you were here.

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

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“I Want to Witness a Miracle”

January 1, 2010 by Todd

Resolutions. Dreams. Hopes. Each year, our family spends a few minutes after the proverbial “ball drop” to write these down as we close our eyes on the past 12 months. Once written, our musings hibernate in an envelope until the next December. Then, they are opened and read. Some years, our thoughts are about being a better student. Other years, they reflect a desire to have, as my wife describes, a “weight change.” (This time around, I fulfilled that one but not the kind of change for which she was hoping).

We spent a few moments this evening, (nay … morning), reading last years dreams … from all five of us, saving Makenzie’s till the end. For this past year, 2009, her resolutions were, in ascending order:

“Love, be loved, love others and find love!
Live above the noise and not make this year regrettable.
Not take life for granted … and show it.
Learn a song on the guitar.
Become more observant of everything around me.
Become a better dancer.”

(And number one on her list for this past year) …
“I want to witness a miracle.”

Makenzie's Resolutions for 2009

Truthfully, every breath that fills our lungs, every moment through which our hearts beat, every thought, word and action that defines us – shapes us – are miracles because they are all undeserved. But my Makenzie’s desire to witness a miracle in the year 2009 was fulfilled in a way that none could fathom. The miracle that she witnessed was being face to face with the God who created her. She witnessed the miracle of her life being redeemed and her purpose being completed. She witnessed the miracle of Jesus’ arms wrapping around her and taking her home to be with Him forever.

May we all witness a miracle in 2010 from our Lord who is the God of the miraculous.

Peace,

todd

Life Changing Links …

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